Actual message to online civil law class professor

ACTUAL MESSAGE TO MY PROFESSOR (CIVIL LAW CLASS ONLINE)

Subject: Um...because I'm special??

Obviously, I'm totally joking when I say that (but really--I am special. My mom tells me so all the time. Other people have noticed it too. They'll say things like, "You're kinda special, aren't you?" But anyway...) but I would like to ask for your indulgence in possibly permitting me to submit any/all of the assignments I failed to submit in time for grading. I do not expect to receive the same grade had I turned them in on time. I realize that this means more work for you, not to mention the aggravation/complication/plus-other-ations-I-haven't-even-considered for you and that's not fair. But (aside from my specialness, which might not be enough) I would really, really appreciate it. After all, wouldn't you rather have your students do all the work and turn it in--even if some of that work is late? True--being able to meet deadlines is a major part of any law career--however, I think that meeting these deadlines is easier when you have the kind of experience and additional knowlege that comes with these homework assignments. I only want to the chance to receive a grade which accurately reflects my actual level of skill and overall grasp of the course material and ability to articulate/demonstrate/communicate that material in a practical way--NOT only by my ability to manage my time effectively.

One last thing. Now, I normally wouldn't even tell you this--because it might be slightly inappropriate but since I'm already asking for special favors and generally behaved like an a-hole, I don't think this would make you think any less of me than you already do--but I thought your intro was really fantastic. Why?

A. Because you managed to come off as humble and down-to-earth even while detailing a dazzlingly impressive resume and amazing educational background.
B. Because you are super-ultra-extra-bonus-happy-fresh-pretty-mega attractive. Okay. But if that's like--really, totally out-of-line, I didn't mean it. I don't think you're attractive at all. Not even a little bit. So there. I take it back.

Anyway, unless for whatever reasons, you must now fail me and I'm like on WLAC's list of "really stupid /odd students." Please just let me know how to submit my late work. thanks

And about my inappropriate remarks--they warrant absolutely NO response from you whatsoever. Thanks, esme

If I was a superhero, I'd wear a cape, definitely. Why? Cuz capes are for pimps!

I like: dancing, playing pool, paddle tennis and dodgeball (but not at the same time) and fighting crime. I wish I were a superhero, My name would be, The "Hype." My first order of business would be this: assasinate the entire cast of The View (which would be making America, or American television at least, an infinitely better, smarter, less frightening, safer place to live.) Ummm...and I'm an atheist and I like corn.

I realized recently that have been alive for 35 years with little or nothing to show for it other than a shocking number of parking violations, most of which are outstanding. Although, it is comforting to know that I am “outstanding” in at least one thing, however dubious an area of achievement it may be, I hope to leave my mark somewhere else besides the “100 most wanted” list at the DMV. But how does one achieve that inner peace that brings about greatness and a sense of accomplishment? I asked myself, “what is the most important thing a person can strive to achieve?” I believed if I could apply myself to something that was truly worthwhile, then inner peace would be mine. And I wanted it, tout suite!

Now, I have few illusions as to my abilities. I will not find a cure for AIDS. I will not rid the world of cellulite, nor of Calvin Klein. I have to pursue a life that is meaningful and extraordinary while I have been saddled with profound ordinariness. This does not bother me. It can be done, I just have to find my path to specialness. I have narrowed the field down to three things, which are; 1.)Crusading to end world hunger, (it seemed to do wonders for Audrey Hepburn, however the jury’s still out on Sally Struthers, so I’d have to nix that one), 2.)Making people laugh (I have to say, Ellen is my hero, since the gal is funny and can do 8 (!!) one-arm push-ups, but most comedians seem to be closer to Chris Farley and Eddie Murphy in terms of spiritual evolution so I’m going to pass on dedicating my life to that goal) or 3.)Being a good person, being honest and kind, in other words, being no less than the best person I could be (not to be confused with the Army’s “Be All I Can Be” which of course, would immediately disqualify this particular lifelong commitment). But since I couldn’t think of a role model that was particularly famous, or fucked up or had been featured in an expose on “Extra,” which had embodied #3, I knew that I had found my calling.

Anyways, I finally I arrived at this decision—that the pursuit of “goodness” was a noble and valuable endeavor to invest one‘s time in. And that was what I decided to strive to achieve. And then I realized that I had very little clue as to how one achieves ”goodness.“ Now, before I try to expand on this, I have to say that while good and bad are easily defined in terms of cinema, odors and raw meat, it is not so with people. So, I have to figure out how to define people as good or bad. This of course then begs the question, is a good person excluded from being bad, and vice versa? Now, although a good person, on occasion may do something bad, he may not do anything that knowingly is bad, and he must always try to right whatever bad thing he has done. That is what makes him good.