Monday, November 22, 2010

Friday, November 12, 2010

The single greatest news story, ever.

Man seeks Obama, Jesus restraining orders

Published: Nov. 10, 2010 at 1:22 PM

GAINESVILLE, Fla., Nov. 10 (UPI) -- A Florida court refused a man's request for restraining orders against President Barack Obama, former Gators quarterback Tim Tebow and Jesus Christ.

John Gilliand filed papers in Alachua County court last week claiming he felt threatened by the three famous figures and he made reference in the filings to the men being gang members or making gang symbols in his direction, the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel reported Tuesday.

"I was trespassed from the Kangaroo Gas Station on University for saying T-Bo sucks," Gilliand wrote in his petition for an injunction for protection against Tebow. "I personally hate any type of exercise although I feel Billy Blanks has a wonderful video."

The petitions were rejected the same day they were filed but Gilliand filed a supplemental affidavit, this time naming only Obama and Tebow, asking the court to reconsider his requests.

Let's see, Mr. Gilliard is sufficiently sane and intelligent enough to fill out and submit all the official-type legal documents necessary to file a petition for a restraining order, but not sane enough to realize that one of the people mentioned in his restraining order has been dead for 2000 years.  Awesome.

So, according to Mr. Gilliard, President Obama, Jesus Christ and Tim Tebow are not only  "gang affliliated" (are they in the same gang?  I want to join!), they have threatened him personally by "making gang symbols" in his direction, which he finds antagonizing. (Note: Further research needed as to what a gang "symbol" is and how one is "made.")

Thursday, September 30, 2010


Why can't I ever be funny and pretty at the same time? It's fucking bizarre, when I manage to put together a halfway decent set, I watch the video and I'm like "Wha? Ohhhh noooooooohhhh!? What the fuck is up with my hair? Why didn't I at least put on some lipstick or eyeliner or SOMETHING!? But nope. Whatever...

So, those of you who are really, really looking for something to occupy a few minutes of your time, why not do me a solid and watch (actually, I'd prefer you listen rather than watch as I'm occasionally humorous but unrelentlingly fugly from the beginning to end of my set)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

latest video of my nieces!

This is the last video I'll be posting of my nieces as they have returned to the UK and I probably won't see them until next year.  I'm a wreck right now, I miss them so much...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I performed last night. I think it went okay--but, I could be wrong.

Thanks Scott, for taking the video with your sweet iPhone.  You rule!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I wish I was a hilarious as these guys, they're absolutely THE BEST PODCAST EVER!

This is a video from their website, "Irreligiosophy". It rules, subscribe (FOR FREE!) on iTunes. They're the antidote to Glen Beck's poison! Here's the video. (warning: for adults. If you're offended by colorful language, fuck off, this video isn't for you. You are a fucking child--this video's for grownups.)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Part two of Cranky Maurice video.

For those of you who had to know, "Does he finally get out of bed or not?"

Maurice is cranky in the morning!

Turn down the volume unless you want to be annoyed by my loud, grating voice as I try to cajole Maurice out of bed one morning.  Other than that, I thought this video was cute. 

Yes, that is his tongue hanging out to the side.  What can I say, he doesn't like to floss. That's what happens to dogs who can't get dental implants when their tooth falls out.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

He's only pretty.

This guy came up to me the other night and introduced himself.  "My name is Chris. (beat) I'm a Virgo." (Chris is not his name. It's not even close to his name. It's a made up name.  Why? Because, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of using his name.  I could be talking about someone else, some other douche bag i met recently, who's name is Chris.)  The fact that I allowed the conversation to go on past that point is my own fault.  I had the information I needed to know right there.

But, I foolishly permitted myself to flirt with and be flirted with and, at the end of the night (for me, anyway), when he walked me to my car I asked for his email, which he gave to me.

Here's the email I sent to him, a day and a half later:

This is Esme, from Friday night.  I hope this email doesn't frighten/alarm you in its "soonness."  If it does, you are easily frightened and alarmed. That must suck. ...Anyway, perfunctory (and snide, bonus!) repartee aside,  To be totally honest, I would have written you that night, or yesterday morning when I got up (6 am approx) but I felt that my borderline stalkerish behavior on Friday night needed a 24 "cooling off period," time enough to (I hope) fade from your memory/soften the creepy edges.

I'm writing you today to acheive the following objectives:

1.  To dazzle you with my ability to recall a 5 character email address (okay, 8 characters, counting the domain...I share this skill with many chimps, bonobos and even a few of nerdy capuchins documented in various cognitive reseach studies published quarterly... Yay me!)

2. To thank you for the gift that is "Electric Six."  I honestly believe my life has been instantly and immeasurably enriched now that their music is in my iTunes library. The song Danger! High Voltage! is ridiculous, mad, crazy awesome.  If I was a Japanese ad exec, my ad copy for their new campaign would go something like this:


3. MOST IMPORTANT THING! To give you your mix cd  .I'm not sure what you'll think of it. Of course, I hope you like it heaps and heaps.  I certainly won't be unduly hurt you do not.  I tried, I failed, it's all good!  Oh, and please, let me know if it doesn't work--if your iTunes doesn't open and a playlist of music isn't created for you to listen to (but not copy or edit) on your computer.  That would be bad.

Here's the link.
untitled playlist 6.m3u (file://ESME-PC/Users/Public/Music/untitled%20playlist%206.m3u)

Final Note:  My phone number is ________.  Each hour that you postpone dialing this number is, for me, an eternity.  But, like, no pressure or anything.

Okay, so, that's the email I sent--five days ago--complete with a "virtual" mix cd!  And what was his response?  Uh, (shocker!) not a peep. Absolute, total radio silence. I mean, that's the ultimate humiliation in the annals of unrequited love. I have been rejected, categorically.  So, gentlemen, it does happen to girls.  And not just fugly, snaggle-toothed fat chicks--but girls like me. (Not that I'm that  hot or anything.  Even though, last night, a guy told me specifically that very thing.  But, he'd just seen me doing a stand up set (I didn't kill, but I got some laughs) and he could have been suffering from "groupie googles.")

I should stop going to bars. After all, I'm over the age of 30...  Okay, that's not going to happen. I should just trust my gag reflex when a guy triggers it within 7 seconds of meeting him.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

It's my word, I coined it, I want credit for it!

(verb) To give more information than is necessary (or appropriate) during a conversation--usually in a group setting. Although men are capable of the occasional "overshare," women are the most common offenders of this faux-pas--especially while on first dates with aloof douche bags.
Ladies, if you're on a date with a guy you've just met, don't "overshare." He doesn't want (or need) to hear about your valiant battle to overcome ANY of the following: eating disorder/catastrophic mental or physical health issue (of you or anyone in your immediate family)/rape/drug and/or alcohol and/or sex and/or shopping and/or gambling addiction/death of any member of your family (including pets). If you have no interest in seeing him ever again and want the date to end as quickly as possible, then by all means, share away!

(Note: if you are one of those people who likes to say "Ew, t.m.i.," whenever anyone reveals anything remotely personal or interesting or honest in public, fuck off, you're common and shallow and should be smothered in your sleep.)

I am the person who first thought of this word and would like for it someday replace the phrase, "Too Much Information" which is a rude and prissy expression, even if you shorten it to T.M.I. I think "overshare," is far less judgmental and insulting way to tell someone they need to ratchet it back a few notches...anyway, let me know what you think!