Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Marriage is an unsustainable arrangement.


These are some of the things my husband, Yuri, has said to me in the six months since we've been together. I should mention that he is Peruvian and English is not his native language, on top of that, he likes to get drunk.  Not just a little tipsy, or slightly inebriated, but completely and totally hammered.  When I recount dialogue between the two of us, I'll indicate who's speaking with a Y for Yuri and an E for Esme (me!).


Y: "That's why you are good with black people, because they are stupid."
(My ex-boyfriend is black and Yuri is insanely and irrationally jealous of him.  So when he gets drunk his favorite thing to do is accuse me of cheating on him with my "buh-lack buh-oyfriend".)

Y: "The reason you are having an abortion is because you are worried the baby is going to be buh-lack." (I told him when I found out that I was pregnant that the only way i would consider having his baby if he a.) did some kind of work during the week that generated enough income for him to pay half of the household bills and b.) quit drinking and started enrolled in counseling or treatment program to help him stay sober.  He managed to not drink for two weeks after I told him I was pregnant. He did not work but he did stay sober, in the beginning.  But after two weeks, he went on a five day bender. Every day he would come home and terrorize me, break up furniture in the house, call me old, ugly, and accuse me of being a prostitute. I decided to abort the baby, which was devastating to me, to say the least, as I am 43 years old and probably unlikely to get pregnant again. It would have been my first child.)

Y:  "I am not racist!  I am brown. I cannot be racist. You are racist!"
(When I tell him to stop saying racist shit in front of me and that if he continues to say such offensive, racist garbage that I am going to have him arrested and lock him out of the apartment, permanently, he responds by saying:)
Y: You are a gringa. All gringas are sluts. I hate gringos.

Y: "Everyone at the paddle tennis courts thinks you are a dyke. That you and Syndney are both dykes. The only thing that you and Syndney were missing when you were walking down the boardwalk was you weren't holding hands.  I could understand if she was new to this country, if she was from another country and that's why she didn't have friends.  But not someone who's lived here their whole lives."

Y: Can you go to bed? I don't want to see your wrinkles.

Y: I know you are talking about me, well I'm going to talk about you. Why did you text Gaston? Why are you making problems with Paula? Now Gaston thinks something happened between me and Paula. (beat) I wish!

Y: I wish you were Paula.
(Said, apropos of nothing, one night, while in bed)

I dyed my hair a completely different color today. He didn't even notice. When he got home, he said, "Hello baby!  Who is my baby?"  I looked over at him, surprised.  He was talking to the cat.

Y: This is is Mexico.  You are Mexican, you live in Mexico. What is this city called? Los Han-gell-ess. That is Spanish because this is Mexico. I must take the power back!

(after hearing me belch unbecomingly)
Y: I know you didn't learn that at home. Maybe you learned it from your first marriage.
E: Nope, I replied, in college.
Y: Yeah, maybe.  Because the girls there are dykes!

Y: Thank you for making me lose today and look like a fool.  Thanks for ruining what i have built over four and a half years. Ruined, by you, today.(After we played together in a paddle tennis tournament and did not do well.  He has been playing his whole life while I have only been playing competitively for a year and I played in the A Division, even though I am still a B player.)

Y: I know what you are doing, I know what you are going to do--because i am tired about you.  And I know that you are tired about me. I think that you need an old guy.  What, you are 45, 46? (He knows I'm 44.) I think you need someone 60, 65.  Because you are a cool girl.  Because I know how to survive. It's not a problem for me, I am a man. (??)

Y: You look better with your eyes brown...what is that make up?  Eyes brown... (a propos of nothing)

Y: I met a gorgeous 24 year old today...she was very nice. I may ask her to visit me.
E: Please. By all means. You do you.

Y: I think you were born a guy. I think your sister, she was the twin girl and you were supposed to be the boy twin, but something got fucked up.  I'm sure your parents were very upset about it.

Y: I think you are very bad. And that's why your father killed himself.

Y: Esme you are getting fat.  It is not cool for your age.

(After i belched loudly.)
Y: That is very sexy.
E: Good, I hope it repulsed you, because you're never having sex with me anyway.
Y: Oh, that is like nothing. It's better for me with my hand.

Yuri hasn't paid rent this month and owes me for all the bills including the cable, the cell phone, etc.  He eats twice as much as me and hasn't paid for a single grocery item in more than four months.

Y: You should blog somewhere that people will read the blog. Not on your blog but on somewhere like Yo!Venice. Then maybe someone will read your story.

The other day he went to the paddle tennis courts and assaulted three people. The first person he assaulted was Richard Riordan's grandson, Mikie Riordan who is the nicest, sweetest, most harmless 27 year old kid in the whole world.  He attacked him because, according to him; "No one can call my wife at 12 o'clock at night.

Y: Girls of paddle tennis! What an idiot! (I'm writing an article about the women who play paddle tennis for a local newspaper, and he thinks it is a dumb idea.)

Y: You think you are going to write an article about the women of paddle tennis.  I know you are writing, but i know that it's going to suck.  100 dollars bet that it won't be printed, I know I will win this bet. Or, if it is printed, it won't be the feature.  I bet you 100 dollars on that.

(By the way my article was published in the Argonaut on October 9th, 2014.  It was the feature.  he never apologized for what he said or paid on his "bet".

Y: I play for free with pretty girls. Ugly girls have to pay with a twelve pack.  (When Yuri and I were first hanging out, in order to play with him, he would say, if i win, you have to buy me a twelve pack,.  Of course, since I am a b player and he is an open player, i lost every time.)

Y: You know, as soon as you were playing with me, you started playing with good people.  Before that, you were playing with idiots. Because...anyways, you suck, Esme. That's the truth.  That's the only thing that you need to realize, that you suck.  I've played more years than you and i will still be playing when I'm done with you.

Y: We need new ladies on the paddle tennis court. Like young...not dead.

Y: Stupid, one stupid guy. (?)  You are retarded,. You are stupid! You dropped the fucking cranberry juice in the store today.

Y: I saw you playing with poor Randy today, and it was painful.  You served three times into the net, Because you are a robot and I think that your brain is fucked up and it goes into your arm and that's why you can't play..

Y: Esme, it's not going to work...but if you make that and it brings more girls, I will thank you. But no one who is more than 25. Because girls over 25, they are dead.
E: Just because a girl is repulsed by you doesn't mean she's dead.

Y: And nobody is going to want to hear about old ladies, you, Sonia, whatever.  we need new, new, new girls.  maybe Gino likes that....

Y: Girls aren't going over there because there are alot of sharks..(?)

Y: You are fucking an idiot, your brain is bipolar,..that is why you are fucked up, and you think that I am fucked up and that is not cool. That was gonna be my, is my fault. It's my fault. Be a girl! Be a fucking lady! You know, like what the fuck, three days, like, you are fucking 46-47?! You lie about your age and it's no...(I was 44 at the time. I have never lied about my age, to him, or anyone.)

Y: You call your mother and talk shit about your sister, you call your sister and talk shit about your mother, you are like fucking bipolar for real. You cannot do that.   i tried to be nice to you.

Y: You are old. You are ugly. I deserve a nice girl, a pretty girl. Not you, old lady....I'm fucking wrong?

Yuri was arrested for domestic violence and has been in jail since the 6th of September. His court date is tomorrow, which is the 23td of September.  Even though i filed a restraining order he has called me every single day and telling me to put money on his books and pay for his phone calls.

 I wrote this letter to an attorney (whom I hadn't yet retained) when I was finally ready to divorce him:

I got married in January to a man I had known for less than six months. He is a Peruvian national (who has overstayed his visa by approximately six years) whom I met while playing paddle tennis, an obsession we both share.  Anyway, after dating only a few weeks he told me--whilst weeping, copiously and vociferously--that his father was dying and he needed to get his green card so that he could go back home to help "take care of the family business", or else "all, every thing" in his father's estate would be stolen by his "thieving cousins." He said (tears still welling in his eyes), "I need to ask for you to marry me, I mean, you must marry me right away, or, as soon as possible, because otherwise my father is going to die and my mother and sisters will have nothing. Instead of rejecting the absurd  proposal, I felt awkwardly ambivalent. I did not love him, I barely knew him.  But, I felt very badly for him, maybe I could love him, I liked him very very much and who am I to deny a man the noble endeavor to honor his dying father's estate from treacherous interlopers. So, I said yes.  That was back in November. We got married in January.  I have made a grave, grave error.  He is an pathological liar and a violent and abusive alcoholic, he's a total racist  who denigrates me compulsively, relentlessly and DAILY, calling me a "gringa slut" and accusing me of cheating on him with my "black boyfriend."  I am absolutely at my wits end. I do not have a lot of money, because he has not worked or paid a single bill since February. I hope you can help me. I apologize for the Iliad-esque message, I just would rather save time by writing everything down so you don't have to.  thanks
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