Friday, April 29, 2016

Please, please disagree with me. I love ignoring you people.

Spike channel is airing a new show called "Waco," about the Branch Davidian cult headed by a high school dropout named David Koresh, who convinced his followers that he was a divine prophet of god. Now, I find Koresh to be a despicable, repulsive con man--but really, is he all that much different from the Jesus of the New Testament? In fact, Jesus is, essentially, a primitive, cartoonish version of David Koresh, or, as I've come to think of him, "Jesus 5.0." (because I'm sure there were others which predate D.K.), but without the 12 member dream team of publicists/apostles.

IMO: JC and DK are near-perfect dopplegangers. Not just physically--although the resemblance is uncanny--but in terms of their objective, their message and their method. True, Koresh was a faint (and hollow) echo of Jesus's legendary charisma and influence, yet to some, he was a convincing facsimile nonetheless.

And, even if you don't agree with me and think Jesus was NOTHING like David Koresh, because DK was a perverse, delusional, egomaniacal sociopath with a messiah complex, and a penchant for pre-pubescent home-schooled snatch (velvety smooth!), utterly devoid of any and all originality or sincerity.  And I would 100% agree with you; Koresh was a monstrous douche bag. But, in all fairness, wasn't Jesus equally so?

I met "Jesus" one evening while he was on a low-profile, terra-firma vacay from his stressful job up in heaven.  Apparently he likes to hang out at the spa of the Bellagio hotel. I immediately recognized him, since he was wearing the same filthy, mangy-looking shroud, cheap-ass sandals and, (believe it or not!) a thorny head band. An outfit he's apparently so fond of that he he refuses to torch--or launder.  He was sitting in the sauna, talking to no one in particular (there were just two of us in there at the time, and neither of us seemed in the mood for a discussion about ourselves or interested in his personal details, but this did worry him in the least), "My dad is GOD! I mean, my mother, bless her, was a VIRGIN! I was born from an IMMACULATE conception! And you know what's even MORE crazy? For like, a few weeks after she had me she was STILL a virgin...even though she was officially married and didn't have to be one anymore. She held out for a way super-long time (Joseph will back me up on this, it's a shame you can't ask him, since he's dead) compared to other homeless, unmarried and pregnant/shotgun bride drifter chicks from her town. Don't misunderstand me, she wasn't a perma-virgin, I mean, I have brothers and sisters and all that...but they came later. They weren't special like me, they had a REGULAR dad (regular, as in not immortal, not omnipotent, not omniscient). I mean come on, dude, admit it! MY dad, he blows doors on that mustachioed merkin-muncher you call Daddy!"  He pauses, looking hard at a fit, handsome Puerto Rican guy who's sitting just a few feet away from him. The guy stares at him for a second, and then gets up to leave. It's just me and Jesus in here now. He goes on. "My dad is special. He's God. You know GOD? He created everything and everyone! He knows all and sees all and has infinite wisdom and and he is the origin of all things--even of the very thoughts at this moment forming in YOUR very own head--every single solitary quark contained within each proton around which every electron revolves within all the atoms of the universe..." I start to drift off.  He notices and leans closer towards me, shouting "When I was born three KINGS schlepped their mangy asses hella far to drop off these rare, precious, uh...things--one of which was GOLD. As in, shiny yellow duckets, bitch!" Finally, I've had enough too, I leave.

Okay. So that's the kind of guy Jesus is. I'm sorry but he just BUGS! That's what I think. I'm 100% certain that there are people who will disagree with me. Not just disagree with me, but think that I am, merely by articulating this opinion and sharing it publicly, guilty of a violent, unprovoked attack on them, personally. An attack that's tant amount to karate chop to the bridge of their noses. But I don't give a shit. They're wrong. I do not care one whit if they and think the sun rises and sets in Jesus's 'taint and that his sermons were divinely inspired soliloquies which will serve to define humanity and all of its wisdom and beauty unto eternity, that's perfectly fine with me, I simply  (admittedly NOT respectfully) disagree. He's no better than David Koresh--he just didn't stockpile a bunch of weapons and fuck a bunch of underaged girls (that we know of) and get himself immolated and a bunch of innocent people killed on national television. That's the only difference.
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