Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Do NOT cut your hair. Don't do it. No, you won't look like Rihana. You'll look Rial Ugly.

Inspired by a recent FBook message from my cousin, Poppy, which was this:

"Hey, I'm thinking of chopping all my hair off and starting over... (not shaving my head, just getting a short, girl's haircut।) Ideas? Would you ever....?xo

I responded with the following:

"DON'T YOU DARE. I'm serious. Do not do that. Here's why I say this--

a.) Your hair is gorgeous-and-shiny-and-well-taken-care-of-and-not-infested-by-any-parasitic-organisms-and-soft-and-pretty.

b.) You are not a new recruit of the US Army (or any other of the armed forces).

c.) Your hair is like mine, EXTREMELY fine and in constant battle with its mortal enemy which is: moisture. Therefore, like mine, it's greatest weapon is: length. Fine hair cannot be tamed by any styling product or bristled torture device (aka: brush). It can only be stunned briefly by applying extreme heat and then avoiding the enemy. And when you cut your hair short, you lose the ability to apply heat effectively and to a sufficient percentage of it to overwhelm its natural state of defiance.

d.) BRITNEY SPEARS. BROOKE GREGSON (a few weeks before my wedding--do you remember her hair at my wedding? Do you remmeber her sobbing thru my entire ceremony? Not a coincidence.). THAT CHICK FROM THE SHOW FELICITY.

e.) See picture attached. I doubt Ms. Scarlet accidentally wandered into a Supercuts while hopped up on needle drugs the night before this picture was taken. Which means she paid someone like $700 for this hair abortion. And if a "good" stylist can do this to Scarlet Johansson, (who's not the stone cold fox you are, Poppy, admittedly--but she is pretty fucking gorgeous) I think I'd rather keep mine long thank you very much. Instead, maybe you should go to a wig shop with me and we can have a totally awesome hair battle and take pic tures with our phones and make our friends vote on which wig makes us look worst/best!?

But then again, maybe you'll look fierce--like Rhianna. I fucking love her and her hair!

I don't know. You do what you think will make you happiest. I'll love you and envy your gorgeousness no matter what your hair looks like--just like all your other girlfriends!

Friday, February 6, 2009, 20 things you didn't know about me.

1. I don't believe in God. I believe in science.

2. I never believed in Santa Claus either—never. My earliest memories of Christmas are of my sister and me making cookies for Santa; meanwhile I was thinking to myself, “What a tedious charade! Clearly mom and dad are the ones who buy the presents and wrap them and leave them under the tree—this is ridiculous!”

3. I'm allergic to bees. (I almost died after getting stung on my forehead during a swim meet!)

4. I am an incredibly "cheap date." Just one alcoholic drink gets me tipsy and I have not had more than two drinks in one night since I projectile-vomited all over the inside of a stall at a nightclub ten years ago.

5. My favorite books are: Fiction - A Man in Full by Thomas Wolfe/Other Voices, Other Rooms by Truman Capote/Barrel Fever by David Sedaris/Where I'm Calling From by Raymond Carver/The Stand by Stephen King and Nonfiction - The Lucifer Principle by Howard Bloom (seriously, the BEST book EVER!)/Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris/The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins

6. I assume that people don't like me or think I'm annoying. (I’m usually right.)

7. I am convinced that I will die in my car.

8. I scored 148 on my last two IQ tests. However, I don’t believe in IQ tests and this score merely confirms their dubiosity. (No, it’s not a word and no, I don’t care.)

9. I survived a murder attempt. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

10. I didn’t go to my senior prom because my boyfriend was in jail having been busted for DUI the night before.

11. The sound of nails being clipped makes me want to pick up a firearm.

12. I still love Prince as much as I did in high school. Maybe more. Definitely more.

13. I don’t like the taste of water and avoid it as much as possible…Unless it’s Dasani, then I’ll take a sip or two.

14. I cheated on my husband. (With a woman. Okay, two women, but not at the same time.) I still don't think it counts.

15. My best friend with taught me how to masturbate (which I’d never even attempted) at the age of 25. (she's woman #1 that I cheated on my husband with) Now I'm surprised she even accepted my friend sad.

16. I loathe vacuuming. And sweeping. And laundry. In other words, I’m a complete slob. (Thank god for my anal-retentively neat boyfriend, kyle!)

17. My favorite condiment is mustard. Ketchup--yuck! And mayonaise?--(stifling the urge to vomit.)

18. I'm a big fan of porn. It's educational!

19. I cannot sleep with the covers tucked in. I am UNBELIEVABLY neurotic when it comes to my legs at night. Nothing can be touching them except the covers which have to be super, super loose—or hysterics ensue. (okay, not hysterics…but a lot of kicking about and grouchy-noises.)

20. I have a brother 10 years older than me whom I have never met. His name is Christopher. And a twin sister, her name is Brooke.  She is my best friend in the whole world, I love her--even though when we were little kids she never could make it to a toilet or a sink or even the bathroom to barf... and guess who had to clean it up.

That’s it for me—20 is my limit. I have a feeling many people reading this didn’t make it this far anyway...