My new dentist...someday, I hope.

I have a new dentist, who's name is Dr. Frey. I can't afford him.  He's actually had People magazine articles written about him--okay, not about him, exactly, but about him giving some American Idol finalist a new grill, for free.  I am not an American Idol finalist (I wouldn't win a singing competition against William Hung) and I'm pretty sure he's going to want to get paid for his services.  I mean, you never know, maybe I'll go in for my appointment next week and he'll be all, "Oh it's my favorite new patient!  Brenda (a name I'm making up and giving to his receptionist), this patient's money is no good with me!  Don't even let her take out her checkbook when were finished today!  Okay? Okay!  Let's get started on that root canal!"  I am thinking about creating a website called "AdoptanAdult.com" and asking stangers to donate money to fund my dental work, since I'm unisured and have no way of coming up with the thousands of dollars I'm going to need to pay for my extensive dental work.

You know what? I just realized that it really, it truly sucks to be me right now. It sucks to be me because I am uninsured and I can't afford a dental procedure which, the longer I wait to take care of, the more expensive it becomes... It's fucking pathetic is what it is, really. You see, I'm not poor enough to qualify for health care which is given to every high-school-dropout unwed-teenage-mother in the nation...who may or may not have been born in this country and who may or may not have ever contributed a dime to social security or Medicare, or paid any federal or state income tax.

The bottom line is: I fucking hate myself for not brushing better, for not gargling longer, for not flossing more (or at all even), for not always eating dinner but never missing desert, for letting my husband talk me into getting my tongue pierced (a tongue piercing is the oral equivalent to a wrecking ball, you chip a tooth every time you try to whistle) and for that "bullimic" phase I had in high school. Your oral hygiene is a metaphor for your whole lazy, half-assed, immature attitude towards life--better start lookin' for a double-wide that takes pets and has a view of the interstate to move into so you can fit in with the rest of your Whiskey-Tango pals, dear.